I hate being alone. I hate not having friends and I hate not going out. But at the same time, I get to a point where I feel like I should cut everyone off myself because I don’t want to end up being neglected or let down or forgotten or replaced on their terms.

Sometimes I do it on purpose, and sometimes I do it subconsciously. It seems like my friendships are always limited. They’re all on a bomb that’s ticking away, and I choose to stop it myself before the explosion occurs.

It gets old feeling like this. The past 18 years have been like this. I guess eventually I got to a point where I recognized it, consciously or otherwise, and somewhere in the back of my mind, something told me to do something about it.

I can’t hold relationships like normal people. They always disintegrate and fall apart. Whether it’s my fault, or theirs, or some third party source, no one ever sticks around long enough. I destroy relationships myself in some aspects. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m afraid or becoming vulnerable or I don’t want to know what will end up happening.

I’m so sick of this,

I’m so fucked up.